Autodidact: self-taught


TV Shows

by V. L. Craven

Black Books

Series 1, Episode 1: Cooking the Books

Series 1, Episode 2: Manny’s First Day

One of my fav bits from entire series No wigwams!

Funniest Scenes from Series 2 and Series 3

Quotes from episodes not available on You Tube:

Bernard: You know what you are? You’re a beard with an idiot hanging off it. –Series 1, Episode 5: The Big Lock-Out

Bernard: Don’t make me laugh… bitterly. –Series 2, Episode 1: The Entertainer

Moo-Pa: So, Bernard, the shops still called “Black Books”, is it?
Bernard: Yeah. I was going to call it “World of Tights”, but you know how stupid people are, you have to spell everything out.

Fran: Look Bernard, look at my new phone! Look, look, look, look, look! Its got web access, its got a camera, it can do everything…
Bernard: Daaggh! Can it stop boring conversations?
Fran: No, none of them can do that.
Bernard: Mine can.
[Bernard picks up his phone receiver and speaks into it]
Bernard: Shut up about your phone.


The Catherine Tate Show

Ginger Safe House

Mighty Boosh

Eels part 2

Yes, Minister

Who Reads the Papers

You Lied

Empty Hospital

Yes, Minister Quotes
(from here )

Sir Humphrey: The argument that we must do everything a Minister demands because he has been ‘democratically chosen’ does not stand up to close inspection. MPs are not chosen by ‘the people’ – they are chosen by their local constituency parties: thirty-five men in grubby raincoats or thirty-five women in silly hats. The further ‘selection’ process is equally a nonsense: there are only 630 MPs and a party with just over 300 MPs forms a government and of these 300, 100 are too old and too silly to be ministers and 100 too young and too callow. Therefore there are about 100 MPs to fill 100 government posts. Effectively no choice at all.

Sir Humphrey: How to discredit an unwelcome report:

Stage One: Refuse to publish in the public interest saying
1. There are security considerations.
2. The findings could be misinterpreted.
3. You are waiting for the results of a wider and more detailed report which is still in preparation. (If there isn’t one, commission it; this gives you even more time).

Stage Two: Discredit the evidence you are not publishing, saying
1. It leaves important questions unanswered.
2. Much of the evidence is inconclusive.
3. The figures are open to other interpretations.
4. Certain findings are contradictory.
5. Some of the main conclusions have been questioned. (If they haven’t, question them yourself; then they have).

Stage Three: Undermine the recommendations. Suggested phrases:
1. ‘Not really a basis for long term decisions’.
2. ‘Not sufficient information on which to base a valid assessment’.
3. ‘No reason for any fundamental rethink of existing policy’.
4. ‘Broadly speaking, it endorses current practice’.

Stage Four: Discredit the person who produced the report. Explain (off the record) that
1. He is harbouring a grudge against the Department.
2. He is a publicity seeker.
3. He is trying to get a Knighthood/Chair/Vice Chancellorship.
4. He used to be a consultant to a multinational.
5. He wants to be a consultant to a multinational.

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