Get Anyone to Do Anything David J. Lieberman
1. Law of Association : By pairing yourself with pleasurable stimuli another person will begin to associate you with this feeling.
2. Repeat Exposure: The more you interact with someone, the more he or she will like you.
3. Reciprocal Affection: We tend to like more those who like us. When we find out that someone thinks well of us, we in turn are unconsciously driven to find him or her more likable as well. Therefore, let your target know that you like and respect them.
* Gradual liking is more effective than instant friendship. To engage the law of reciprocal affection gradually let it be known that you are fond of this person.
4. Similarities: Talk about what you both enjoy and what you have in common.
5. How You Make Them Feel: Being the person who makes people feel good will go a long way toward their finding you quite likable.
6. Rapport: Matching posture & movements. If he makes a gesture with his hand, after a moment and without being obvious, you casually make the same gesture. Matching speech. Try to match his rate of speech.
7. Helping Her Out: We like someone more after doing something nice for them.
Let him do a simple favour for you, but make sure that it’s not out of a sense of obligation.
8. He’s Only Human: When you want to be seen as more likable, do something embarrassing and smile at yourself.
*The bragging, arrogant person is really a person who feels small inside and we are often instinctively uninterested and unattracted to this person. The one who is confident and secure is the one who is apt to laugh at his own mistakes and is not afraid to let people know that he is human.
9. Positive Attitude
Have a positive mental attitude. We are drawn to people who are excited, passionate and happy about life and being alive.
1. Emotional Arousal
Anytime a person is aroused, such as with scary movies, amusement park rides or even physical exercise, his arousal will in part be attributed to whomever he is with.
2. Walking Styles
People react more favorably to those whose walking style seems youthful. Flexibility determines youthful gait. Yoga will greatly improve your flexibility and make a dramatic difference in your overall posture, walking style and attractiveness.
3. Gazing into a Person’s Eyes
The act of simply looking into another’s eyes for only a few moments was enough for them to produce passionate feelings for each other. Look into her eyes when speaking as well as listening.
4. The Laws of Contrast and Association
When you want someone to find you attractive your best bet is to meet this person initially by yourself or accompanied by someone attractive of the opposite sex.
We judge people in contrast to other people.
Do not find yourself in the company of members of the same sex who are more attractive then you are.
Try also not to be in the company of terribly unattractive people—the law of association means we tend to see a group as a whole and not the individuals.
*The law of association takes precedence over the law of contrast when the members of the group are more different than similar.
5. Self-Esteem and Attraction
When the person is feeling less than good about herself, be flirtatious and friendly. The caveat here is the law of human nature that says people want what they can’t have and they like more what they have to work for. Be interested and attentive but not overly so.
6. Reciprocal Liking
Not only do we like those who like us, but we’re also more attracted to people once we learn that they are attracted to us.
III. First Impressions
–Our first impression of someone is crucial because everything we see and hear afterward gets filtered through our initial opinion.
–You create an image of the person right when you meet him and you see his subsequent behaviours through this image.
*If you did something incredibly inappropriate or stupid, do not try to defend your behaviour. There’s only one thing that will work: the phrase, “I feel embarrassed.” This accomplishes three things:
1. It shows you know what you did was wrong, which means you’re unlikely to do it again.
2. It shows you’re human and people like us more when we acknowledge something stupid and embarrassing and then take responsibility for it.
3. It shows complete honesty—and who doesn’t want to deal with an honest person?
IV. Instant Advantage in Every Relationship
That which is plentiful is often under-appreciated and that which is rare is held in high regard and considered valuable.
Once you move past the liking stage (meaning the person is already fond of you) and the relationship unfolds into something more serious, you then want to limit your availability.
People want what they can’t have and they want more of what they have to work for.
*We are often most comfortable with those of similar levels of attractiveness.
Find meaning in your life outside the relationship so this person doesn’t become your whole world.
Create an element of uncertainty or you will lose the passion that drives the relationship. Without some doubt there is feeling that “you will always be there.”
But you, in your relationship, can within a second reignite the passion by introducing the element of doubt.
4. How You Make Them Feel
Saying how much you like this person makes you lose leverage and telling her she’s a likable and great person. Merely stating that somebody is terrific makes her feel great and makes you look great. It’s a winning combination because it’s only the confident person who tells another how wonderful and terrific she is.
*Fastest way to lose leverage:
Make yourself completely available
Have no perspective
Remove all doubt
V. Get Anyone to See You as Pure Gold
*If you don’t place a value on yourself, someone else will.
*To get the best deal, finest advantage and greatest edge ask for the moon and settle for the stars.
*Everything in life is subjective.
1. There is no absolute truth and opinions tend to become facts in most new situations. All other information is filtered through.
2. To give yourself or anything else instant worth in negotiations start off very high, even if it’s a little unreasonable. This is important because you will set the tone.
1. You also don’t want to be ridiculously high because you want to be taken seriously.
3. The first one to place value on it establishes his work.
*Even if you think they can’t afford to pay you that much, you’re now negotiating from a very high starting point—one that you’ve established. In the end you can charge them much less and they will be elated because they are not getting a $500-a-day photographer. No, they’re getting a $3,000-a-day photographer for a mere $500!
VI. Appear Calm, Confident and in Control in Any Situation
*People with OCD, panic attacks and anxiety attacks may find relief in a low-carbohydrate diet. By keeping blood sugar levels steady, anxiety-based symptoms can be greatly alleviated.
*Two signs saying a person is nervous:
1. Not smiling
2. Not breathing regularly and deeply
* You can tell if a person is not breathing regularly because every now and again he’ll take a very deep breath to get oxygen in quickly.
*Long-term emotional balance and calm, try yoga or some type of stretching.
*Don’t overlook the powerful physiological influence of blood sugar levels. Avoid engaging in fight-or-flight response by avoiding sugars and refined carbohydrates.
*Smile. The act of smiling makes you feel more relaxed and calm.
*Breathe deeply. This instantly relaxes the central nervous system and calms your nerves.
VII. Six Points to See if Someone is a True Friend
1. Interest. How interested is the person in your life.
–Tell her about something significant going on in your life and see if she asks about it. If she doesn’t, hint about it and see if she recalls the conversation
2. Loyalty. True friends know the value of trust in a relationship.
–Tell a secret about a mutual friend and see if it gets back to him or her.
3. Pride. Friends are proud of your accomplishments. Real friends congratulate you on good news; they don’t only console you over bad news.
4. Honesty. True friends tell you the things you don’t want to hear even if they know it may make you angry with them.
5. Respect. Tell her there’s something exciting (good) going on in your life but you absolutely prefer not to talk about it right now. See if she presses you on it.
–There’s a difference between curiosity and concern.
–It has to be something good because if it’s negative then a good friend would press right away out of concern.
6. Sacrifice. Will she give up something to make you happy? Who decides what to do? Is the word “compromise” in her vocabulary?
*If she passes four of the six tests, you’ve probably got a good friend.
*It’s best to review this criteria over a long period of time, as anyone can have a self-absorbed day/week.
VIII. Spotting a False Alibi with One Question
*Use a conundrum: simply introduce a piece of evidence and see how he handles it. Make sure he would have direct knowledge of what you’re talking about. Make sure that this evidence is plausible but not true. If he’s fast with the correct response, he’s telling the truth. If he hesitates, changes the subject or gives the wrong answer, he’s lying.
IX. How to Tell if Someone is Trying to Manipulate You
1. Guilt: How can you say that? I’m hurt that you wouldn’t trust me.
2. Intimidation: What’s the matter, can’t you make a decision? Don’t you have enough confidence in yourself to do this?
3. Appeal to Ego: I can see that you’re a smart person. I wouldn’t try to put anything past you. How could I? You’d be on to me in a second.
4. Fear: You know, you might just lose this whole thing. I sure hope you know what you’re doing…This is your last shot at making things work out; why do you want to risk losing out on being happy?
5. Curiosity: Look, you only live once. Try it.
6. Our Desire to be Liked: I thought you were a real player. So did everybody else.
7. Love: If you love me you wouldn’t question me.
*How to Tell if a Person’s Bluffing in Any Situation
–He’s trying to create a false impression intended to disguise his true belief.
–People who bluff generally overcompensate in either direction.
–A person who has high self-esteem and confidence in himself is not the one showing the world how great he is.
*How to See Through People: Two Minutes to Get Anyone to Reveal What They’re Really Up To
–Ask a question that does not accuse the person of anything but alludes to it.
Examples: Woman suspects her husband is having an affair. “I think my boss may be having an affair with his secretary.” Observe the reaction—If he asks questions and becomes interested in the conversation she can be reasonably sure that he’s not doing the same thing. If he becomes uncomfortable and changes the subject then it’s likely he’s engaged in a similar behaviour.
Another guilty response is to become uncomfortable and then assure you he’d never do anything like that.
*Get Anyone to Say What He’s Really Thinking
–Two main psychological tactics at work here are consistency (humans have a need for continuity with their thinking) and expectancy (people often do what is expected of them).
–Instead of saying, ‘What didn’t you like about it?’ ask, ‘How would you have done it?’
X. Take Control of Any Situation and Get Anyone to Do Anything
–Most people want to help; it makes them feel good to do for others
A. Get Anyone to Take Immediate Action in Any Situation
1. Limit Options—narrow someone’s options before you present them to him. Fewer choices mean that he will make a decision faster and be less likely to dwell on it afterward.
2. Give a Deadline—this fulfills three separate psychological motivations for fostering action
1. A task will expand or contract depending upon how much time you allow for it
2. By letting an individual know that he may not get the opportunity to act in future, you create an incentive towards moving now.
3. Human beings respond to that which is scarce and becoming scarcer.
3. Use the Law of Inertia
1. When someone is presented with a small request and subsequently does it, he is infinitely more likely to agree to a larger request—the thing that we wanted him to do in the first place—what we really wanted him to do. However if he is not first presented with, and subsequently doesn’t complete, the smaller request, then he has no unconscious motivation for consistency.
1. The Law of expectation states that people will do what you expect them to do. Speak and act directly, clearly and confidently.
2. Also, take the appropriate corresponding physical action e.g. moving towards the door, picking up a pen or dialling the phone.
5. Processing Information
1. If you want someone to take immediate action, you’re going to show him that it’s simple and easy.
2. If you want to discourage a behaviour, you need only stretch out the number of steps into a long, boring and arduous process.
6. Additional Incentive
1. and small additional benefit that the person gets for taking action now e.g. We can get ice cream. We’ll go to dinner afterward, I’ll have a loaner car for you.
B. Get Anyone to Take Your Advice
–Appeal to a person’s emotions in your attempt to persuade. No matter how rational and logical your argument is, if you do not arouse emotion you will have great difficulty influencing him.
Four Other Psychological Factors
People tend to respond more favourably to solutions if they believe the plan came from them.
Let him know too that this new way of thinking is really consistent with who he is. Remind him of other things he’s done that are consistent with this current belief or action.
Best ways of offering advice is to let the person know that you don’t believe you have all the answers. You’ll be perceived as infinitely more credible and sincere.
Enthusiasm is contagious. The more excited you are about what you’re saying the more excited he will become about it
–The name given to this is called reactance and it occurs when we feel that someone is trying to limit our freedom. It can be so powerful that Rhodewalt and Davison (1983) found that people may do the opposite of what you are asking—just because of reactance.
–Ninety percent of the decisions we make are based on emotion. We then use logic to justify our actions. You must arouse emotions in your attempt to persuade.
Offer a specific game plan with a clear-cut course of action for proceeding.
Add to this how your idea will prevent negative or unpleasant consequences. This is more effective than explaining what someone will gain by listening to you.
C. Get Anyone to Follow Through on a Commitment to You
–most effective psychological tool is to let him know that you believe that he is the type of person who does follow through.
–these comments address someone’s actions not her identity and force her ego to come up with reasons to justify her behaviour, not to change it.
— “Isn’t it amazing how some people don’t know the definition of the word friendship?”
–To override this thinking (when you think it may be a problem) you just need to include the phrase, “I know you could have got out of it if you wanted to.” This is because when we volunteer, cognitive dissonance is reduced with the continuing thought that “I must really want to be doing this.”
To find out if someone is sincere
“What would have to happen for this not to work out?”
–His entire line of thought is not on why he wouldn’t do something but on why he would. Answering clearly what would prevent him from accomplishing his objective requires that he would first have to have true intentions of doing it.
–You should expect a fast “nothing” or a reasonable obstacle—something specific beyond his control.
–If you ask Jake what would prevent him from marrying his girlfriend next year and he says, ‘I don’t know…if things change…or something.’ Jake is not committed.