Ichabod Crane, Respectfully Dedicated to Washington Irving by William J Wilgus (1819-53)

There’s a new show based on Washington Irving’s ‘The Legend of Sleepy Hollow’. I was going to give it a miss, but then I found out they shoot it where I live and it’s always fun to play spot-the-location. My introduction was a cartoon, which I’ll get to, but I wanted to compare some of the adaptions (cartoon, film and TV series) and realised I hadn’t read the story. So that came first. It’s available from Gutenberg for free.

Irving’s writing is incredibly atmospheric and he captures nature beautifully. The characters are two-dimensional, though, and not likeable-particularly the protagonist and his crush, Katrina van Tassel. Typical of a short story, there isn’t a great deal going on-the descriptions and atmosphere are the selling points. Oh, and prepare yourself for the casual racism. This was written in the early 1800s. It’s pretty minimal compared to other things I’ve read written during that time, but it’s still there. Be warned.

This was the only scene I remembered.

As mentioned, my introduction to the story was the Disney cartoon , made in 1949. Which, upon, re-viewing, was rather disappointing. My young mind had glossed over the romance, greed, and singing and paid sole attention to the spookier aspects like the headless horseman and chase through the woods. The singing, however, does happen in the story. In fact, the cartoon is holds very close to the source material. They leave out the racism, thankfully, and they cut down on the general spookiness, but overall it’s quite accurate.

What was odd was that I could have sworn there was a bit where Brom Bones and his friends had pulled the prank where they chased Crane, pretending to be the Horseman. Because I was expecting it in the Burton adaptation. I have a very clear memory of this happening. The way the brain works, wow.

‘I swear, I’d lose my head if it weren’t screwed on… DAMMIT’

Many years later (as in decades) Tim Burton remade the tale with a bunch of spectacular actors, including Christopher Walken as the Headless Horseman. This will probably always be the definitive version for me because it’s Burton, whose aesthetic pleases me greatly, and because of the aforementioned cast. He changed…nearly everything. Except he made two very minor characters mentioned in passing in the story into important characters in the film.

Burton’s version is visually dark-it’s Burton, what do you want?-though the story happens in Autumn in New England when everything would have been reds and golds and oranges. Ichabod was, indeed, a wimp, so that remained the same, but Katrina became a witch (something that would carry over into the TV series), rather than the vacuous flirt from the story and cartoon and there was blood and a real horseman. Something that’s left up in the air in the story and cartoon.

Eventually spring will come to Sleepy Hollow…that won’t be spooky…

So then Fox announced they were making a television show called Sleepy Hollow and I was sceptical. How could they take a short story and make it into a series? But after reading this review I decided to give it a shot and I’m glad I did.

The first two episodes were the set up and people getting to grips with their roles in the battle with the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The third episode felt like the first ‘real’ episode, if that makes sense. The one where they work out who a baddie is and take it down, Buffy-style. The entire show is very Buffy-like-dramatic and supernatural and occasionally laugh out loud funny. They’ve already renewed it for a second series, which I’m very glad to hear, particularly since our landlord’s daughter is now working on the show.

And I get to pretend I live in a city like Sunnydale, but I’m not one of the stupid people who gets killed on a regular basis. Seriously, that place must have had a ridiculously high death rate.

Each year in Fairhaven, Massachusetts, three houses are turned into Haunts, where average people make their own haunted attractions that draw in hundreds, if not thousands, of visitors. The American Scream is about those three households.

There’s the father of two who loves spooky DYI, but who didn’t get to celebrate Halloween growing up and who has, perhaps, overcompensated by going overboard every year in October. His decorations are incredible, his spirit contagious, his family supportive even when the stress of trying to make everything perfect begins to wear on him.

Then there’s the everyday Joe who just likes to have fun with it. If it looks good and it’s scary it works. He adds things each year, but doesn’t go crazy and doesn’t get too stressed out.

Then there’s…the third one. Which really has to be seen to be appreciated. There’s a ‘specialness’ about the third family that’s difficult to describe. It’s a man and his dad. And they have their own peculiar take on what’s frightening. And they are not wrong-their decorations are unsettling, but more in a, ‘Have I just stumbled into the backyard of a deranged individual,’ than, ‘Clearly, this is a haunted house made for my amusement,’ sort of way.

All three people do what they do because they love it. They look forward to October the way some people look forward to Christmas, a sentiment I can absolutely identify with.

The documentary itself is well done enough. It’s really about the people-there are some excellent, human moments. I highly recommend this one-it’s on Netflix, if that’s available to you. And if any of you have been to any of the houses I would love to hear your stories.

After high school student, India Stoker’s, father dies suddenly her uncle, Charlie, arrives out of nowhere. He endears himself to Evelyn-his brother’s widow-straightaway, but India distrusts him. It’s odd that she’s never even heard of the man until her father’s funeral. However, the longer he’s around, the more intrigued she becomes. Other people are equally wary of the man, as well, but their objections aren’t heard, as they all seem to disappear rather quickly.

You want dark secrets? You can have them. You want a tense what-the-hell-will-happen atmosphere? Here you are.

Stoker is sort of American Beauty for psychopaths.

The script is by Wentworth Miller (yes, the guy from Prison Break-it’s his first writing credit, as well-nice one.) The cinematography is gorgeous and the visual effects are stunning. The sets are appropriately elegant and the soundtrack is a perfect complement.

Both Matthew Goode and Nicole Kidman are good, but Mia Wasikowska’s India is fantastic. She reminds me of a cross between Wednesday Addams and Darlene Conner in all the best ways.

If you liked The Bleeding House you’ll probably like this and vice versa.

And the posters were great. Have another.

Emily Wells’ ‘Becomes the Color’ is the song that plays over the end credits. I’m in love with it just a little.

After finishing Peter Straub’s masterful Ghost Story I decided to watch the 1981 film version.

On paper, it has promise. It stars Fred Astaire, Melvyn Douglas, and Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. (it’s their final film), as well as Alice Krige (who would go on to play Christabella in Silent Hill). But the Wikipedia page (which is full of spoilers) says: ‘The plot is taken from the novel of the same name by Straub, but greatly changes and simplifies it.’ Which just about sums it up.

Without reading the book, one of the main character’s breakdowns-which is moved straight to the beginning for maximum confusion-makes zero sense.

The film starts slowly (fair dues, so does the book)-and then picks up for a bit before a very unsatisfying ending if you’ve read the book and a predictable one if you’ve seen many horror films.

Then there are the make up special effects, which happen with regularity in the film and wouldn’t have occurred in the book at all. Film is a visual medium, but, good grief.

I watched the film with my husband, who had not read the book, and he didn’t understand who or what Gregory and Fenny Bate were.

I’ve recently rewatched Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events and thought I’d share for those of you who perhaps meant to see it and forgot or put it off because you thought it was a kid’s movie, etc. Well, here’s a review.

The plot of the film is comprised of the first three books in the quite successful series .

Starting with:

The Bad Beginning

The Baudelaire children, Violet, Claus and Sunny find out that their parents have died in a fire that also destroyed their home. Their solicitor, Mr Poe (Timothy Spall) then informs them that they will be placed with a Count Olaf (Jim Carrey). A person they’ve never heard of before.

He’s going to start chewing on that in about three seconds.

The moment they arrive he gives them various tasks, one of which is making dinner for his Goth acting troupe (including Luis Guzman, Craig Ferguson, Jane Adams, and Jennifer Coolidge) in what looks like the kitchen from Withnail and I.

The kids realise Count Olaf is after their money and try to tell Mr Poe, but he doesn’t listen and soon, Olaf is granted custody. Immediately thereafter, he sets about getting their inheritance one way or another. (One way is gruesome death, the other is also gruesome death.)

After one of these plots doesn’t work out so well Mr Poe takes the kids to another ‘relative’, which brings us to…

The Reptile Room

The orphans are then given to Uncle Monty (Billy Connelly), who is also not a blood relation, but this one is at least jolly and, aside from the plethora of reptiles in the house, seems to mean the children no harm. He’s very recently discovered the Incredibly Deadly Viper and knows there are others in the herptelogical world jealous of his discovery. So when a suspicious character Stephano ‘An Italian Man’ arrives, and the kids prove that he knows nothing about snakes, Uncle Monty puts it down to jealousy over his discovery.

This guy. He’s lethal.

After some unfortunate events involving Uncle Monty and ‘Stephano’ Mr Poe steps in again and takes the kids to another non-blood related relative. And that begins…

The Wide Window

The children are delivered across lake Lachrymose to Aunt Josephine (Meryl Streep), who lives at the edge of a cliff just before a hurricane is set to blow in. And she is afraid of everything. Including doorknobs.

Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not after you.

Eventually, at the market, they run into Count Olaf in the guise of Captain Sham, who chats up Aunt Josephine. She has the children stay behind to buy food for dinner whilst they go back to her house to talk some more. By the time the children get back… well, more unfortunate events have transpired.

After which Mr Poe decides it’s perhaps best if the Baudelaire orphans return to Count Olaf. During this conversation, the lawyer reveals that Olaf would receive nothing if something were to happen to the children. There was only one way around it. Count Olaf, of course, tries to use that caveat as hard as he can and the kids try to outsmart him.

Lemony Snicket is portrayed by (though we only hear his voice) Jude Law. I spent the first half of the film thinking it was Martin Freeman. Whoops.

There are also delightful cameos by Catherine O’Hara, Helena Bonham Carter, Dustin Hoffman, and Jane Lynch.

Jim Carrey was Jim Carrey. His rubber face, over-acting schtick worked well for the role, but for me the appeal was everything else. The neo-Victorian sets, the Steampunky gadgets Violet invented, Sunny’s Cousin Itt-like ability to only be understood by her family, (but still had the funniest lines), and the cameos. CGI was clearly a huge part (ILM did over 500 effects) but there were very few moments where it was obvious.

It had a Tim Burtony feel (Burton was originally set to direct with Depp as Olaf, but when Burton left, Depp did, as well); and it had an almost Addams Family vibe (Barry Sonnenfeld and Scott Rudin were both briefly involved) and will likely please fans of either of those sorts of films. Or people who like Edward Gorey, particularly the Gashlycrumb Tinies .

It was one of those films that was cursorily for kids, but would also appeal to adults. Just like the books. And it stood up to a second viewing, which isn’t something you can say about many ‘kids’ movies. And I will probably watch it again. Overall, I’d give it a 7/10.

And it has this fantastic end title:

The Gothic Archies also did an album of music called The Tragic Treasury: Songs from A Series of Unfortunate Events which are songs from each of the audio books (most of which were read by Tim Curry because perfect casting does happen occasionally on this Earth) from each book. Daniel Handler (Snicket) is a member of The Gothic Archies. Which only serves to make me like him more.

And if you liked the film, please consider reading the books. They are great fun. A website for which is here . It has games and information about upcoming books (currently prequels about Snicket’s life are being published), and videos and things. I feel jealous for children growing up now, as no one wrote things for Gothic little girls when I was little.

These kids today have no idea how good they have it. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go scare some kids away from Old Ms Craven’s house, as they keep daring each other to touch the front porch.

The Winter Guest was the original film I thought of when doing this series of reviews set in cold climates. It’s also one of my top five favourite films. Everything about it is perfect-acting, directing, set design, score, cinematography. It’s the sort of film that, every time I watch it, I’m surprised yet again at how beautiful it is and at how well all of the pieces work together.

That said, it’s always difficult to write about one of your favourite pieces of media, be it book, film, or music, as the way it moves you is as much to do with who you are as it is about the actual piece of art. Still, I’m going to give it a go.

The film is directed by Alan Rickman (yes, that one), who also adapted the screenplay from the play by Sharman MacDonald. Prior to making the film, Rickman directed the play-three of the eight actors from the stage version appeared in the film.

Set so far north in Scotland that the sea freezes, the film focuses on eight people; a mother and daughter (played by Emma Thompson and her real-life mother, Phyllida Law), two young boys skiving off from school (one of whom will go on to play Oliver Wood, the Gryffindor Keeper), two elderly women who frequently attend strangers’ funerals, and two teenagers who argue and flirt.

It’s a quiet film that feels very much like a play-most scenes are between two characters at a time. For people who are used to blockbusters it will feel like nothing is happening, but all sorts of things are going on beneath the surface. Not unlike the sea that is outwardly frozen, but is certainly roiling beneath the ice.

It’s probably the most character-driven film I’ve ever seen. The depth of each character is such that it’s difficult to sum up each one succinctly so, for fear of cocking it up entirely, I’m not going to try. Yes, that’s a cop out, but I’m not trying to sell people on Remembrance of Things Past , either, even though it’s my favourite book. I don’t think I could do it justice.

On top of the performances and directing and the stark radiance of Seamus McGarvey’s cinematography (which I could look at all day) Michael Kamen’s score is the perfect complement. And then there are Robin Don’s incredible sets. There’s a beauty and delicacy to everything in the film. It’s a masterpiece.

And now that I haven’t oversold it at all , find it and see it for yourself. Make a mug of hot cocoa, wrap up in your warmest blanket, and enjoy this under-appreciated classic.

Indenpent environmentalists are sent to gauge the possibility of a drilling operation in the Arctic Wildlife Refuge in the middle of winter, where the temperatures are fluctuating wildly and it’s raining. In February.

Some members are more interested in getting rigs in to give America energy independence, whilst others would rather protect the environment. When one member is found naked and frozen near a test well that had been drilled two decades before one of the characters thinks it’s the Wendigo (which is the subject of a spectacular Algernon Blackwood story ). Another hypothesis is that it’s sour gas that’s seeping up because the permafrost is melting and it made their colleague insane.

After another character dies under odd circumstances they decide to go to the nearest hospital, but the plane coming to get them has some difficulties and they wind up stranded.

Whatever the hell it is causes hellacious hallucinations and homicidal tendencies. One-by-one the members of the group get separated and Bad Things happen in different ways.

The Last Winter is one of those films that leaves a lot up to the viewer-it’s the sort of film you can watch with friends and discuss what it’s actually about. If you dislike ambiguous endings you’ll want to avoid this one. The ambiguity is what saved it from being typical Hollywood fare, however, if it had been revealed as being aliens or the environment or even an evil force bent on destroying humanity for no reason it would have been mediocre. Overall I’d give it a 8/10.

Oh yeah, and there are ravens. Always a good sign.

I’ve always loved the look of an unbroken plain of snow. The hush it gives the world. How, in the moonlight, it can be so bright. How, when you live some place unprepared for it, you get out of school for flurries. Cold weather clothes are my favourite, as well. Oddly, I do not care to actually be cold. I do, however, like that when it’s cold one can use that as an excuse not to leave the house. And I like looking at cold things. Like films set in cold climates or during cold snaps. And since it’s currently ridiculously hot and humid where I am I’m choosing to chill out with some cool films over the next few weeks.

If the idea appeals to you, here are some lists of suggestions:

Time: Top 10 Freezing Cold Movies
Letterbox: Gloomy Movies Set in the Cold
A.V. Club: No Cure for Cabin Fever: 16 Memorable Films Set During Cold Snaps

The first film in this series of reviews is The Ice Storm by Ang Lee.

It’s Thanksgiving 1973 and it’s a groovy time. Except for the ridiculous amount of dysfunction running rampant in the Carvers and the Hoods, the households the plot centres around.

You’ve got all of the 70s-swinging, Nixon, casual drug use, marriage counseling is all the rage, etc. And every single character is having some sort of sexual problem. Either they’re sleeping with the wrong person (or trying to) or they’re frustrated in their marriage or they’re a teenager-and not the kind having easy sex. Everyone is trying to figure themselves out-adults and kids alike. It’s like a metaphor for the 70s, in a way. the rules were no longer hard and fast and people didn’t know where that left them.

The backdrop to all of this is cold, cold weather, culminating in the titular ice storm. Even though it was actually shot during the spring, the cinematographer, Frederick Elmes, did an excellent job of making it feel cold. The scenes outside even before the weather turns is beautiful; and once the weather does turn towards the worse, one of the characters takes a walk. And it’s gorgeous.

The Ice Storm is a character-driven, quiet piece, much like Ang Lee’s Brokeback Mountain, which puts much of the weight on the actors.

Which brings us to the cast. The younger set are Christina Ricci, Elijah Woods, Tobey Maguire, Katie Holmes and David Krumholtz. This was released in 1997 so they were really young. It was Katie Holmes’ film debut.

The adults are Kevin Kline, Joan Allen, Sigourney Weaver and Jamey Sheridan. Allison Janney has a great smaller bit. All of the performances were excellent.

Released in 1997, it was based on a 1994 novel written by Rick Moody, who, apparently enjoyed the movie so much he wept through the closing credits. I’m sure many other authors have wept through the end credits of film adaptations of their work, but I’m not sure how many of those tears were out of joy.

This is one of those films where everything worked together very well. The writing, directing, acting, soundtrack, etc. It would be good any day of the year, but it’s perfect for a sweltering day in August.

And here we are at the final instalment of the Masters of Horrors reviews. I hope you’ve enjoyed the last five weeks as much as I have. Previous reviews are here, here, here, here, and here.

Right to Die (Rob Schmidt): A married couple are in a car accident. The man (Martin Donovan) walks away, but his wife, Abby, is badly burned. He feels she wouldn’t want to live in that state and consults his attorney & friend (Corbin Bernsen). Just before the accident, Donovan’s wife caught him in an affair in a rather humiliating way and this causes him an enormous amount of guilt. He also begins having disturbing dreams about his wife. Terrified, he calls Bernsen, asking if it could be her soul haunting him. Bernsen responds, ‘What do I know about souls, I’m a lawyer?’ (Ha!) When the wife’s mother learns of Donovan’s plan she decides to paint her son-in-law as a horrible person to the press, as she wants the settlement likely to come from the airbag manufacturer (it was their fault she died). One of the better ones of the series. 8/10

I said I wanted the MILD sauce

We All Scream for Ice Scream (Tom Holland): Lee Tergersen was really wasted in this one. It’s based on a short story by John Farris, which was probably frightening on the page but just looks silly on screen. Some kids tortured a clown who drove an ice cream truck-the guy died during a prank, his ghost came back when they were adults and killed them. With ice cream. As ridiculous as that sounds it’s worse on screen. I give this zero stars because Tergersen shouldn’t be asked to be in something so lame. 1/10

‘See, my agent and I had an argument…then he sent me this script…’

The Black Cat (Stuart Gordon): Don’t mess with my dear Eddie. There’s some debate as to whether or not Poe and his wife/cousin ever had sex but within the first two minutes the characters were kissing passionately. Poe (Jeffrey Combs) is trying to sell poetry, and failing, as people want his stories like ‘Tell-Tale Heart’. He promises a new story and gets an advance, which is promptly drinks away. Upon his return home, he’s met by his wife trying to sell her piano. She has a terrible bout of the TB then and there and the doctor tells him that nothing should be allowed to upset her. At the start they have a bird, a fish and a cat, Pluto. Like in the story, the menagerie is whittled down to the cat. Then Sissy dies and Poe blames Pluto. There are common themes of Poe’s-death of a beautiful woman, supposed-but-not-actual death, madness out of sanity. They had to change some aspects of the story for the movie and it made no sense whatsoever except, ‘if that didn’t happen, we wouldn’t have an ending.’ I would be interested in hearing what other Poe fans thought of it. Poe fans who aren’t masochists can skip it. Even non-Poe fans would still give it a 5/10.

I know how you feel, Sissy.

The Washingtonians (Peter Medak): A couple and their daughter visit the husband’s grandmother’s house after she dies. Upon looking through the place, he (Johnathon Schaech) finds a letter supposedly written by George Washington but sounding more like something Ed Gein would come up with. The Founding Fathers were cannibals? Really? That’s what we’re doing now? This has got out of control. I swear, it’s like they saved the worst ones for the final few. Based on a story by Bentley Little. Spare yourself. 1/10.

Are those middle fingers? They should be.

Dream Cruise (Norio Tsuruta): As with the final episode of the first series, this one is by a Japanese director. And it has the classic Japanese elements: Someone dies tragically, their creepy ghost haunts the person with them when they died. In this case, a man in his late 20s/early 30s, Jack, is having nightmares about a childhood friend who drowned during a boating accident. He’s summoned to a business meeting at a restaurant and runs into a woman he’s having an affair with-the wife of the client who summoned him. The client wants to have their conversation on his boat, on the ocean. Jack explains his fear of the ocean, but the client, Eiji, insists. It becomes apparent that Eiji suspects (or knows) something is going on between Jack and his wife, Yuri and he takes them out further to sea rather than back to land. There are some are-they-are-they-not dead moments and ghosts and possessions, you know, good ol’ Japanese funtimes. Based on the short story by Koji Suzuki. At least the series went out on a somewhat high note. 7/10.

I don’t know if you’re a ghost, but I’m going to kill you anyway…

Please see Parts One , Two , Three , Four of the Masters of Horror reviews.

John Carpenter’s Pro-Life (John Carpenter): Two people on their way to work at an abortion clinic nearly hit a young woman who runs out in front their car. They take her to the clinic to make sure she’s all right, when her father (Ron Perlman) pulls up outside their clinic. He’s a long-time opponent of abortion they have a court-order against for his previous threats against. Inside, they check on the girl to make sure she wasn’t injured when she fell on the road and discover she’s several months pregnant…and fifteen. Questioned further, she says she was raped a week prior. The doctors conclude she’s in shock and has disassociated from the trauma because it was her father, who she was running from when they nearly hit her. Outside, the girl’s father plans to get into the clinic to get his daughter back and with her child safely inside her at all costs. There is some SERIOUS body squick happening in this one and some of the acting is beyond wooden to quick-dry cement. And the special effects? Yes. They are, indeed, ‘special’. 5/10

Please. Women who give birth to human babies look worse than this.

Pelts (Dario Argento): Meatloaf plays a man who makes things out of the skins of animals. He also has a thing for a particular stripper who isn’t interested. Meanwhile, his suppliers have found some raccoon pelts that are spectacular, if uncannily similar. They had to go to a part of the wood that’s supposed to be cursed to get them, but they got them without incident, so they’re home-free. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from movies it’s that you NEVER takes things from cursed parts of forests. FAR too much up-close gore for my taste. It’s called a wide- angle lens, folks. [On the other hand, if you’re into up-close gore, you’ll love this one.] Based on a short story by F. Paul Wilson. If you like gore it’s a 9/10 if you don’t it’s a 5/10 at best.

Put it on a stick and you have a nifty Halloween mask.

The Screwfly Solution (Joe Dante): An airborne virus is causing men to murder women, their homicidal impulses triggered by sexual arousal. The men use religious reasons for their hatred of women, and watch a lot of violent horror films. Two scientists (Jason Priestley and Elliot Gould) work out that they can block the rages by chemical castration, but of course, most men won’t do this, so the female population is quickly diminished. No one knows who is doing this, let alone why or how. Priestly tells his wife and daughter to go north, as the virus seems to be staying in the southern part of the country. As with wind-borne anything, though, eventually it makes its way worldwide and if a woman wants to survive she has to go to greater lengths. Based on the short story by Alice Sheldon/James Tiptree Jr, this is probably the most straight up science-fiction-y of the entire series and could be a little heavy-handed but it wasn’t as bad as Dante’s previous offering in the first series, Homecoming. 7/10

Pictured: Science fiction

Valerie on the Stairs (Mick Garris): A young man has been accepted at a house for unpublished writers. His room became free when the previous tenant committed suicide, distraught over the number of rejection slips for his most recent work. Our protagonist has just got out of a relationship and has decided ‘to hell with love’-he’s going to live his life through this stories. The problem is he writes horror stories. He begins seeing a woman on the stairs, asking for help and then she’s pulled away by something else-something humanoid but possibly demonic. Discussing what he’s seen one night with another tenant at the house, he learns something disturbing. It’s what you’d expect-sprawling house, faces in mirrors of people not there, are they all characters someone has made up or not, etc. One of the other writers in the house is Christopher Lloyd. Based on a story by Clive Barker. Classic line, though: ‘Everyone in this fucking place is fucking crazy!’ ‘Including you, young man! We’re writers!’ I’m giving this one an 9/10 for Lloyd and Barker. Most people will probably find it to be more of a 6 or 7. What can I say, I’m a sucker for films about writers.

If you’re going to write you have to dig deep, sonny Jim.

Next week is the final instalment. See you then!

If you’re just joining us in the reviews of the Masters of Horror series, you may catch up by reading series one: part one , part two , part three .

And now we begin Series Two…

The Damned Thing (Tobe Hooper): One evening, a young boy witnesses his normally mind-mannered father shoot and kill his mother and then come after him. His father his then disemboweled in a rather spectacular fashion in front of him by some unknown force. Many years later, that little boy is the sheriff of his town and the locals are once again beginning to exhibit erratic, homicidal behaviour. He begins trying to save the town and his family from the supernatural evil, but it starts to take him over. High marks on the gore. Probably the only time you’ll see someone commit suicide with a hammer. Based on a short story by Ambrose Bierce . It was fine for supernatural, unexplained evil, nothing new to see. 7/10.

Go back to the South Pole! Wait, wrong movie…

Family (John Landis): George Wendt is your average, suburban psychopath, living the dream, dissolving the skin off corpses and sitting them in your living room for company, as you do. Then a young couple moves in. The husband is an ER physician, the wife an investigative journalist. After a few drinks one evening, they knock over Wendt’s postbox and, the next day, when they go to apologise, they sit down to coffee and the wife begins making overt sexual advances (or so he thinks). The couple has Wendt over for dinner one night, when he learns they had a child who died from cancer-he suspects there’s more going on with them than meets the eye, though. He’s right. Typical Landis, it’s freakin’ hilarious-even more so than his offering in the first series, Deer Woman. Loved this one so very much. 10/10.

We’ve been on the Atkins diet for six months!

The V Word (Ernest Dickerson): Two teenager boys decide to break into a mortuary to see a dead body. They get their wish times about a hundred. A third of this is the two boys wandering around the funeral home in the dark, whispering to each other. Once things begin to get interesting the music turns into a sort of eighties synth deal, which I’m not sure was meant to be a spoof or not. One of the kids is killed by a vampire and the other one can’t get anyone to take him seriously (a common problem in horror films). But friendship dies hard, bro. There are some fairly funny lines in this one, but it still dragged and was predictable in many ways. During the mortuary scene I kept expecting Laurence Fishburne to be waiting around a corner to tell them scary stories. 6/10

The call is coming from inside the house! JK, vampires don’t use phones.

Sounds Like (Brad Anderson): A supervisor in a call centre develops superhuman hearing after the death of his young son. Every tiny sound is magnified to the nth degree, which he finds to be increasingly stressful. His performance at work suffers and he is reprimanded, then he’s gesture of friendship towards a subordinate is rebuffed. One thing after another is piled upon him. Bombarded by noise, he tries to find one place he can be free from the cacophony of life. Not an enormous amount of gore in this one, but the end was predictable. Based on a short story by Mike O’Driscoll. 6/10

Pipe down, this my jam, yo.

This is part three of a six part series of reviews of the Masters of Horror films. Here are parts one & two .

The Fair Haired Child (William Malone): A teenager-outcast amongst her peers, neglected by her mother-is abducted on her way home. She wakes up in another state, in a hospital, where the nurse (Lori Petty) asks her if she’s been baptized and is a virgin. The girl sees the address on a magazine-she’s actually at a music school-and tries to escape when she’s thrown into a basement, where she finds a boy being hung by the neck. She helps him down before he dies and they try to find a way out of the basement. Meanwhile, the adults upstairs are preparing a ritual, which is successful, I suppose because something horrible is born in that basement. There are odd, Bergman-esque moments in flashbacks, that are humorous, rather than frightening. I don’t know if that was the intention, but I found it to be distracting. Loved the ending, though. 7/10.

Who’s a good Hell…thing? YOU are! Yes, you are!

Sick Girl (Lucky McKee): An entomologist who’s a bit awkward with the ladies, and has a disturbing number of pets (bugs), finally gets up the nerve to talk to the brunette who sketches in the lobby every day. That evening, she also receives a parcel from Brazil of an insect she’s never seen before and cannot identify. The awkward entomologist, played by Angela Bettis, is like a younger Lilith Sternin, which is all to the good. Part of the story is from the point of view of the the bug, which is amusing. There are a few laugh-out-loud moments. One of the least gory of the entire series, but not for insectophobes. 7/10

One big creepy family

Pick Me Up (Larry Cohen): A bus breaks down between two areas of nowhere in Washington State. One person (Fairuza Balk) chooses to walk in the direction they were headed towards a hotel, three others choose to take a ride with a trucker who comes along and offers to take them back to the previous town. That leaves a young couple with the bus driver when a young man strides up out of who-knows-where and makes the situation a bit more interesting. We then follow the course of the three stories-Balk, the trucker, and the wandering guy, which eventually converge and go to hell. One of the better written and acted of the series. 9/10

Fairuza Balk instantly ups the yikes factor in any film

Haeckel’s Tale (John McNaughton): A prosperous young man approaches a necromancer to have his young, recently deceased wife returned to him. She says she will if he will first listen to Haeckel’s Tale. Haeckel was a heretic young doctor who, inspired by Dr Frankenstein, becomes determined to reanimate the dead. His resurrection man tells him of a necromancer. Sceptical, Haeckel goes to see the man anyway. The young doctor’s father is taken quite ill and on his way to visit him, he is taken in from the weather by a man. Haeckel is immediately attracted to the man’s wife, Elise, and the attraction is returned. As Haeckel is lying down he sees the woman feeding a child and then the necromancer comes to take Elise away. Haeckel follows… and finds far more than he ever bargained for. Based on a short story by Clive Barker, the titular character is a fictionalised version of a real person . It put me in mind of the Johannes Cabal series of books. The Barker story is probably great, but the film is unintentionally goofy. 5/10

‘Did Victor have these sorts of problems?’

Imprint (Takashi Miike): I don’t know what this one was about because I got about ten minutes in and realised it was more of what Miike is famous for and wanted to be able to sleep. So caveat emptor and all that. Wikipedia has this to say about it:

Episode 13, “Imprint”, originally scheduled to premiere on January 27, 2006, was shelved by Showtime due to concerns over its content. Mick Garris, creator and executive producer of the series, characterized the episode as “the most disturbing film I’ve ever seen”.

Clearly, I made the correct decision.

The next film review will be the the first few films of the second series of Masters of Horror. See you then!

Stephen Fry’s 100 Greatest Gadgets is a completely subjective list of gadgets Fry loves. How much you enjoy this will hinge heavily on how much you enjoy Stephen Fry and hilarious writing.

If there’s something fundamentally wrong with you and you dislike Fry or dry humour, you won’t find this amusing in the slightest.

It’s only a couple hours long, so each gadget gets very little time (which involves when it was invented and other factoids) yet every one made me laugh out loud. There are also comments from British presenters, actors, comedians, etc, that are equally hysterical.

The complete list can be found here .

Continuing from from last week’s post on the Masters of Horror series…

Chocolate (Mick Garris): A recently divorced man who creates artificial flavours for a living begins tasting chocolate-a really nice, artisan chocolate he’s never actually tasted. Then he begins having other episodes where he seems to be existing in two different places at once. The experiences become stronger and he becomes obsessed with the woman-he becomes determined to meet her. Directed by the MoH creator, Mick Garris, who also wrote the script. A fun bit of trivia happened when the main character picked up a book before bed, Stephen King’s Desperation, which Garris directed in 2006. One of the best written of the series. 10/10

Homecoming (Joe Dante): Heavy-handed satire where the bodies of soldiers who’ve fallen in an unjust war are returned to the States and express their displeasure at their plight. I kept expecting some sort of twist but … nope. It fell flat in comparison to the others in the series. 5/10

We would like to have a word with the person who sent us to war… or who wrote this script… whoever.

Deer Woman (John Landis): A washed-up detective assigned to animal attacks gets called out to investigate…something. At first, they think it’s an animal, but it turns out to be a human that’s been severely mutilated. Then another one comes in. And another… It’s based on an actual legend and written by John Landis. This one had several laugh-out-loud moments, it was the funniest of the series. Landis seems to have a thing for films about human/animal hybrids. He did American Werewolf in London and Michael Jackson’s Thriller video. 9/10

I’d say she looks like a deer in headlights but she’d probably kick my ass. bu-dum-tish

John Carpenter’s Cigarette Burns (I couldn’t work out who directed this one, sorry) : A collector of rare films hires a young man known for being able to locate difficult-to-find films to find an infamous film that was supposed to have been completely destroyed. His search takes him to the house of a reviewer-someone who saw the one and only screening of the film, where there was a massacre, seemingly spurred by the film. Merely searching for the thing adversely affects his life-seeing flashes of his dead wife, for example-so, upon finding it, he decides not to screen it himself and just gives it to the collector. This was another really good one, one of the few that are of the calibre of a full-length film. 9/10

I have the sudden, overwhelming urge to watch Millennium. That was a good show.

Next Thursday will be the final set of episodes of the first series of MoH. See you then!

Masters of Horror is an anthology series of films by some of the best horror film-makers working today. Each short-film was around an hour long and most were based on a short story. The series was helmed by Mick Garris and ran for two seasons on Showtime. What would have been the third season became Fear Itself, which aired on NBC.

Though each episode of MoH had different writers most still suffered from the occasional stilted dialogue. And even though the episodes were directed by the best horror filmmakers, it’s better to think of these as extended television episodes than films. None are up to the calibre you’d expect from a full-length film, but they’re still better than some horror movies shown in cinemas for ludicrous ticket prices. As with any collection, there were hits and misses.

Over the next several weeks I’ll review a few episodes of the series each Thursday. If you agree or disagree with my review, let me know in the comments.

Series One

Incident On and Off a Mountain Road (Don Coscarelli): Fetching young woman gets stranded in the dark on a mountain road. Mutant serial killer wants to ‘make friends’. Survivor Girl has a leg up, as she’s been married to a survivalist, who’s been training her in the ways of crazy, I mean, how to fight for survival in desperate circumstances. And being stalked in the dark by a freak who wants to make you into a Blair Witch scarecrow that uses the moonlight as eye-beams (it’s quite disturbing) is about as desperate a situation as you could ask for. Most of the gore/torture is out of shot. A nice introduction to the anthology. Based on a short story by Joe R Lansdale. 8/10

‘It takes a little time to acclimate to the tilted floors, let me help.’

H.P. Lovecraft’s Dreams in the Witch-House (Stuart Gordon): A graduate student of string theory rents a room in a run-down boarding house and the weirdness begins nearly immediately. With the scratching in the walls, rats with human faces and the portals to parallel dimensions right in his room. There’s the obligatory old man, warning the grad student, who doesn’t heed said warning. There are also bad dreams and the titular witch, as you’d expect, the good old Necronomicon makes an appearance and a rollicking time is had by all. 8/10

Perhaps if he’d attended a different university…

Dance of the Dead (Tobe Hooper): Post WWIII, where terrorist attacks and rapes happen by the score, clean blood is a commodity and the common denominator for entertainment has dropped even lower than Jersey Shore, a teenage girl disobeys her mother to go into the nearest city. The hottest in entertainment is something called L.U.P.s, which, for legal reasons, have to be prefaced as ‘scientific’ performances. When legal/ethical issues must be addressed in a post-apocalyptic hell-land you know you’re in for a good time. Based on a story by Richard Matheson. Bonus points for having Robert Englund as the MC of the Doom Room, which looks like it’s based on the NIN ‘Wish’ video. And, apparently, it was scored by Billy Corgan. This was one of my favourites of the entire MoH series. 9/10

Your eyes are getting heavy…you are getting sleepy…

Jenifer (Dario Argento): A detective happens upon a man about to butcher a young woman and, upon shooting the would-be assailant, discovers the woman has a severe facial deformity. Apparently mute, she’s taken to an insane asylum. The detective can’t stand the way she’s being treated there, and takes her home with him. Things don’t go very well, so he employs the help of someone accustomed to dealing with the specially gifted… the situation devolves from there. The screenplay was written by Stephen Weber, based on a short comic book story by Bruce Jones and Berni Wrightson. The goriest one thus far. mmmm entrails. 8/10

This was the *least* horrifying photo I could find