From Twitter

QI Elves
If we really embraced the metric system, we’d say that Winnie the Pooh lived in the 40.47 Hectare Wood.
The word ‘bed’ looks like a bed, and the word ‘shark’ looks like a shark (swimming from right to left)
I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. JEROME K. JEROME

Graham Linehan
Taxi driver just asked me what I did. Told him I wrote comedy. “Anything I know?” Told him my credits & we’ve been driving in silence since

Reece Shearsmith
I love the muffled quiet you get with snow. Especially if you can stuff a lot in their mouth before the choking starts.
“Warm bath television” : so called because it makes you want to get in one and slice open your thighs.

Tanim
Guys I’m scared there’s some weird yellow light outside that’s covering everything and - oh wait it’s the sun. # BritishProblems

Very British Problems
Never wanting to use an exclamation mark yet worrying you’ll come across as miserable without one