If I had the wherewithal (and funds) to open a shop I’d call it Plain Jane’s. A place for women who shop like men. ‘We know what we want and we don’t want to sell a kidney to get it.’

Everything would be arranged by colour in a horseshoe layout. There’d be three versions of any item (at most) and you’d be in and out in a matter of minutes.

Recently, my husband braved going shopping with me for a green top. That’s all I wanted–a top of the solid green variety. We went to several places and it was mission impossible. Everything had beads, fringe, sequins, etc. And were quite a bit more expensive in comparison to the male clothing.

That’s because males don’t care nearly as much about apparel as women do so retailers can’t charge as much. Lucky twats.

However, with the advent of the ‘meterosexual’ and effing Jersey Shore, it’s becoming desirable for men to look great whether it be through clothing or skin and hair care products. They don’t even get called gay for it anymore. Though there’s a reason for that. *

I mean, look at this shit:

What. The Fuck, people.

The absolute best part of that advert is when they go to a shot of the guy applying the nail varnish. No one can do that without looking like a giant girl. I was waiting for his tongue to poke out of the corner of his mouth in concentration. They cut back to a close up of his hands pretty damn quick, I suppose to show he was indeed putting on polish himself. Looking like a big girl.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love me some goth dudes in fishnet tops and eyeliner with backcombed hair. (Noel Fielding, yes, hello.) What gets me is the, ‘Nah, bro, you don’t have to be sensitive or intelligent or thoughtful to cultivate your appearance; you can totally be a steroid-moron and wear cosmetics. RAWR!’ message. Don’t worry. We don’t think you like dudes, because that would be totally gross. We know you had to take time out of your busy banging-all-the-vapid-chicks-wearing-bandages-for-a-dress schedule to shoot this commercial.

I can’t roll my eyes far enough into my head.

*I would like to thank Paddy K for his hilarious post about this very thing, otherwise I wouldn’t have known about AlphaNail and my life would have been just a bit emptier.

RAWR

Update: From Cracked 5 Men’s Products That are Clearly Women’s Products . Alpha Nail makes an appearance. Because, of course.