Insomnia has been my nemesis since I was eight. My mother got up for work at 4.30 in the morning. She’d get me up and dressed and such, then drop me off at whatever lucky soul was looking after me at the time’s house and I’d sleep a couple hours before getting on the bus for school. That was my school-day routine from eight until fourteen.

Bizarrely, I’ve had problems sleeping my entire life. It’s almost as though getting into an unhealthy cycle as a child can affect how you function as an adult. Crazy.

But I digress. Insomnia. I hate that thing. I don’t think it’s a He or She. It’s some sort of amorphous entity from a Hell dimension Pinhead would avoid. You’re tired all day, but when you get into bed you know you’re going to sleep poorly and be exhausted the next day, as well.

I don’t know which came first-my depression or my insomnia, but even after my depression buggered off I was still stuck with the sleeplessness. I’d taken sleeping pills since I was twelve and was never able to sleep without them. Which is why when people say, ‘If you can’t sleep without them you’re addicted to sleeping pills,’ I respond, ‘I couldn’t sleep without them before I’d taken even one. Was I addicted then, too? And shut up, you’ve probably never known the hell that is being tired all the time.’ It’s like when people who’ve never had kids give parenting advice. Shut. Up.

What was I talking about? Oh right. Having a love-hate relationship with sleep my entire conscious life. It was dreadful. Being tired was my number one occupation growing up. Which is why I felt like I’d scaled K2 when I finally bashed insomnia’s stupid face in. … Or whatever you do with an amorphous entity. Probably trap it in an ancient magical vessel of some description. More on how I did it later in this post.

This is not the way I’ve handled it, but I understand the inclination

Long-term lack-of-sleep can lead to all sorts of health problems including heart failure , which is a pretty big deal. And it’s dangerous not just for the insomniac, but the people driving on the roads with the insomniac, as well. Or anyone involved with a sleep-deprived half-person. You’re not your true self when overly tired (or hungry or in pain).

For the lucky sods who’ve never experienced long-term insomnia, The National Sleep Foundation (whose motto is ‘Waking America to the Importance of Sleep’ …Um…) have an article that is a nice introduction to the joy of the walking death including common causes.

For the rest of us, this article from the Huffington Post has some tips that may or may not work for you, which is something you can say for a great deal of medical treatments. Try everything. Whatever works for you, works.

Something they don’t go into in that article is the effect blue light (like from a computer screen) can have on melatonin production. Melatonin is your body’s natural sleep aid. You can buy it over the counter, as well. For awhile I was taking Seroquel, but it began to make me gain weight. A lot of weight. Prior to that it was Tylenol PM. I tried some other things but they didn’t work in the slightest and were jettisoned so quickly I can’t recall their names.

For the computer/ipad/LCD technology people, f.lux is software that changes the colour of your computer screen to match the colour of the room you’re in. Meaning, if it’s ‘blue’ outside, like during sunlight hours, the screen looks like it normally does, but when it’s darker outside and the room you’re in is a warm tone (from the interior lights) your screen shifts to the warmer tone. It’s free and available for Linux (wahoo!), Windows, and Mac. Give it a go. It can’t possibly hurt. (As of March 2013, it’s only available for iPad/iPhone if your device is jailbroken, boo!)

And now, as promised,

How I defeat insomnia on a nightly basis: I take two Melatonin at the same time every night and have a routine of brushing my teeth and having a shower. Then get into bed by ten. Do my notes about the day and read. Try to lie down by eleven, but sometimes it’s closer to twelve. Then I start counting numbers.

Not that! There are only, like, seven people on that show. That wouldn’t take very long.

I actually picture the numbers in my head. My insomnia has always come from racing thoughts so counting and ‘seeing’ the numbers gives me something to focus on. One number on inhale, the next on exhale. It helps me pay attention to how rapidly and deeply I’m breathing, and I remind myself to relax every other number. Then picking up at the nearest 100 the next night. Tonight I’ll start at 108,200.

Counting is also a good way to judge how long it takes to fall asleep. On a good night, it’s less than a hundred. I still have nights where it’s 500, but I stay in bed. They tell you to get up if you’re not asleep in ten minutes and try again a bit later. That doesn’t work for me because, even on a good night, I’m not asleep in ten minutes.

If I wake in the middle of the night, I stay in bed and focus on counting. You’re supposed to get up, but I’d just be up for several hours and then dead tired when I was supposed to be working.

Counting is very much like meditation, in that it takes time to become good at it-at refocusing your brain on something comparatively boring and maintaining the focus for a long period of time-but not being knackered is definitely worth it.

If you’ve overcome insomnia, leave a comment with how you’ve done it.

Bonus Information!
I was looking for links on insomnia and Google auto-predicted ‘Insomnia Cookies’. I thought they must be cookies with something in them to help a person sleep, but no, it’s a cookie company. And they deliver until 3 a.m. I’d love to see a graph of the primary cookie delivery purchaser throughout the day. My guess would be that around eleven or so the norms would peter out and it would be all stoners and pregnant women. If anyone who works there reads this, please drop a comment.

And I would be remiss if I didn’t include this-one of my fav songs from the 90s, ‘Insomnia’ by Faithless.